If someone compliments you, they are sharing their opinion. Personally, I put very little weight in compliments. They are subjective and rather impractical. (Socially, I'm learning to say thank you and really believe others when they compliment me...practically, I try to find the reason for them saying such a "nice" thing...what do they want?)
If you compete fairly with someone, and you win, that win is a fact. You won. You're better at this one thing at this one time against this one opponent. Thus, I enjoy competition. It's more accurate. It's more honest. And I just love seeing someone trying their hardest to achieve something. We are all capable of wonderful things.
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Today is World AIDS Day. And really, that's all that matters. When I think of what it must have been like for Gay America before the AIDS epidemic outbreak in the 70s, I get excited for a community that was full of sex and love and pure freedom. It must have been the most exciting time, and a large part of me wishes I could have been a part of that experience. When I think of what it must have been like for Gay America during the AIDS epidemic, I weep and squirm and fully realize that I cannot possibly imagine the incredible force of that time.
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As I walked to our planned meeting spot, I breathed loudly and psyched myself up. I caught a stride in my step and fixed my hair. We decided to meet in my neighborhood: home turf. I had the advantage here. This is MY HOUSE! I was nervous, so I left early, so I was going to be there about ten minutes early. I was going to get there, choose a strategic table and get a drink to get all of the unknown out of the way...but then he texts me that it's a "cute place."
Shit.
Wait...does that mean he's already there? That fucker. He stole my advantage. He's good, oh, he's good.
I walk into the coffee shop, and we shake hands over the table he chose (DING DING DING, the match has begun). He gets to the counter to order first; I'm last again.
We get our drinks, and I think that he'll want the seat he had before we ordered...but HE SWITCHES IT UP ON ME. He might as well have turned the whole world upside down. Okay, game on, boy.
After he "doctored up" his "cold brew," we got down to business. As discussed and planned, we would communicate only by writing on pieces of paper, back and forth. Like a real conversation, only different. Just like how he offered to come to my neighborhood for the date, he also offered to supply the pads of paper and pens. Everything is more "convenient" for me, yet he has all the control.
He hands me my pen and pad, and he starts writing. This is cute. It's weird, meeting someone for the first time like this, but he's cute and unexpected.
I start to write a response, a simple hello. Halfway through the word, my pen stops cooperating. I can etch an imprint of what I want to say, invisible on the paper from across the table, but no ink will come out to help me express my thoughts.
He keeps writing. And tearing pages. And showing them to me. And as I read, I think of more that I'd like to share. And he keeps writing. And tearing pages. And the moment passes. And I can't write anyway.
"I love telling stories, as you can tell."
He shares ideas that I've actually thought as well. Sometimes in ways better than my own. Sometimes. I'd like to share my own thoughts, really make it a conversation. I try. I use my pen to imprint the paper with what I want to say and present it to him. He looks at the paper, squints his eyes, frowns, and looks away. Then he continues writing.
He loves his job. He has a wonderful, supporting family. He doesn't imbibe. He finds community over the internet.
I feel my pocket buzzing with messages, and choose to ignore them for the sake of giving attention to this human interaction in front of me. It never occurs to me to use the phone as a means of typing what I need to say.
I have to say, it did occur to me to just talk out loud, but there was never a good moment. I would be shattering what we had set up. I would be interrupting the flow. I was made the bad guy. I felt uninteresting because I couldn't share any of my interesting life. I felt mediocre because he wouldn't ask me any questions; he wouldn't share the good pen and let me have a say.
He won. I was defeated.
Honestly, he expressed and embodied my idea of treating everyone around you like your brother or sister better than I do. He had zero expectations for this first date, which is the point. Friends first, love later.
I walked away from our date, really feeling how much I didn't talk and wasn't heard. I felt untested. He won, but it was an unfair competition.
I walked some more, and I thought some more, and I didn't talk some more. And I realized: he is better at many things. And I am more romantic.
Also, he doesn't know anything about me. What a loss, am I right?
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There is a concept of horizontally and vertically learned behavior and traditions. Vertical learning of traditions come from your family tree; your genetics dictate who passes on this culture. Horizontal learning happens, specifically, for example, with gay people. We have a long tradition of discrimination and disease and overcoming hardship. We have traditions of being "a fun people" with parties that feature drag performers and gogo dancers. We have a history of being shamed and overcoming that shame until we can begin to cultivate authenticity.
I am very proud of my horizontal gay history. I am excited by the idea that I am connected to a bunch of strangers. I feel passionate about fighting for a cause that continues to plague the world: AIDS. Prevention. Knowledge. Treatment. There is still so much work to be done. Past generations fought the war, and many died, and it's our turn to speak out now that AIDS is no longer on the forefront of attention and concern.
Thank you to my gay forefathers for allowing me to sit with a cute boy for 2 and a half hours in public and talk about being gay without fear of physical or mental harm. Because, really, that is what it is all about.
"Hey! Thanks for coming all the way to my neighborhood. I had a nice time."
"Ditto kiddo, thanks for the conversation! Enjoy your Friday :)"
As requested: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/06/12/andrew-solomon-far-from-the-tree/
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